Five Things My Father Taught Me

Posted on June 15, 2013 by

The story is told of a Father who was asked by a friend, who is in charge at his home? He answered, “Well, my wife bosses the children. My children boss the dog and cat, and I can say anything I want to the geraniums.

Last year my wife woke me up with a cheery Happy Father’s Day greeting. She excitedly stated, “You can do whatever you want today!” I said, “You mean it?” and she said with a big grin, “Yup”. I committed my first error of the day when I foolishly surmised that her statement meant, I could do whatever I wanted.

I got up and ate breakfast, went back to bed, woke up and watched the ball game, took a nap, then got up for supper. My wife at this point couldn’t contain her disappointment. Sitting across from me she said with great flair, “You did absolutely nothing today!” I smiled and said, “I know, isn’t it great?” The Vulcan death stare prompted me to guess that from now on, I’ll have to ask her what “I” want to do on “MY” day next year. Well, it’s next year now so I’m already psyching myself up to clean the garage today. I have some advice for new husband’s; It’s only Father’s Day when Mother’s happy.

As I reflect on today’s holiday, I am reminded of my own dad. He should have been a cowboy, he would have made the perfect one. Hardworking, honest, fearless, yet sensitive when he needed to be. He taught me that to be a successful father, husband, or friend, you must do five things everyday.

The first thing in being the best Father is to always give those you love a meaningful touch. Over my bed on the wall rests a painted sign my sister gave my wife and me that simply states, “Always kiss me goodnight.” It’s a reminder to never take my wife’s love for granted. No matter the time of day, I never pass up the opportunity to hug, hold, or offer an affirmative pat on the back to those I care about and love.

The second thing in being the best father is always offer a word of encouragement. As he has gotten older, my father has learned anew the importance of saying words like; I’m proud of you, I love you, I sure enjoy your company. When you offer words of affirmation and encouragement, people will grow closer.

The third thing in being a good father is placing a high value on those you care about. Never one to mince words, my dad always showed his children who and what was most important to him.

The fourth thing my dad taught me about being a good dad is share your optimism of being a child of God. My dad has always instilled in me the desire to always look up.

And lastly, my father taught me to never go a day without laughter.

A few years ago when our family dog developed a hideous habit of swatting down wasps and eating them, I asked my dad for advice. With a dry wit he responded, “John, I think it has a B (bee) deficiency.” On a day when I need a laugh, that quip still comes to mind and it still makes me laugh all over again.

I love you Dad, Happy Father’s Day.

Posted in My Thoughts on Today | Tagged | 3 Comments

I Am a Roll Model

Posted on June 12, 2013 by

As a means to inspire others with the power of my willpower over food, I have entered the arena of protein power bars. I selected my brick er…. I meant faux candy bar the other day. I confess, I was blown away with the selection. Don’t assume that because it looks like a candy bar and smells like a candy bar that it’s a real candy bar. The best description of my first taste would be a missing Endeavor Shuttle heat-shield tile dipped in chocolate. The second one wasn’t any better. I thought I had bought a large square packing peanut from the FedEx Store and it was brushed with peanut butter. Either way, my taste buds and my willpower are in an epic battle.

While in Vermont recently visiting family, the phone rang. It was a farmer friend who is always finding creative ways in which to feed his livestock. Do you know Holstein cows have a sweet tooth? He had visited a local bakery and purchased not just a few, but a pallet load of soon to be expiring donuts, cakes, danishes and cookies. When I say it was the good stuff, it WAS THE GOOD STUFF. He loaded his mini van and from the back of his head rest to the top of the van all the way to the rear door, the vehicle was teeming with mouth watering delights. He had called my mother to ask her if she wanted any baked goods before he fed his cows. He arrived and opened the rear door of his van. It was like watching a Skittles commercial with all types of colors falling out the door in abundance.

I try not be be an emotional person but tears came to my eyes. I am convinced I heard an angelic choir from somewhere above singing the Hallelujah Chorus when he asked me what I wanted. This was my moment of truth, this was my Super Man Kryptonite moment. Drugs to me?…..rain drops on a car windshield, alcohol….a pebble to a brick wall, one simple danish ring, I become as helpless as a babe.

This is why today I am in the protein bar section. I am retraining my taste buds for the healthier things of life. I’m trading my donut for a brownie bar that has the consistency and taste of expired jerky. My new breakfast cereal is new and improved with ten times the fiber of tree bark. I’m also limiting myself with genetically altered vegetables on the salad bar. Although I must say that once you cut off all the toes and fingers, they can be quite tasty.

So how is my goal of evolving from a roll model to a role model working? Well my most effective weight loss program at the moment is eating meals in front of a mirror while wearing a bathing suit one size too small. While I can see some positive results, the drawback is there are ten restaurants in town now that won’t let me back.

Posted in My Thoughts on Today | Tagged | 3 Comments

He’s Going to Drown Grandma!

Posted on June 10, 2013 by

In the book, “Even Angels Must Laugh” it speaks of some of the funniest real life experiences that have occurred in church. One day I hope my experience will be an addendum in that book.

It was my last weekend as pastor of my small Appalachian Church. It was only fitting that on this day I would culminate my time there by having a baptism. The candidate was a lovely older woman who had been relegated to a wheel chair due to declining health. It was her desire to take the plunge for God. An appropriate choice on such a sweltering July day.

It would have been impossible for her to be baptized in our church for obvious logistical reasons; the church’s baptismal tank was not handicap accessible and she was pleasantly “healthy”. The soon-to-be interim pastor accompanied me as we set out the day before the event to scout out the lake. We needed the best boat ramp and access point with the least grade to hold the special gathering.

We found it, and as if sent from God, a fisherman in a small boat was sitting twenty-five yards from the ramp where we stood. Shouting out to him, we asked him if he had a depth finder. He replied that he did. When asked how deep the water was, he said at the base of the ramp it was eight feet. But go beyond that he said, and it took a deep turn downward to twenty feet or more.

Satisfied we had found our spot, we reported back to the church family that we were good to go the following day. This event was soon to be a life lesson on, planning for most everything but NOT possibly everything.

The day was hot and cloudy as the church gathered around the boat ramp. The guest evangelist and church elder patiently waited in the water at the side of the ramp waiting for the baptismal candidate to be wheeled into the water. Concerned she could fall out of the wheelchair if rolled forward, I proceeded to turn her around, and in bare feet, made my way down the ramp backwards.

I distinctly remember on my checklist the items from yesterday. Slope……check, access……check. But a boat ramp with algae slick as a greased pig? That was not on my list. Like a torpedo from a submarine, the moment my feet touched the concrete ramp, the woman and I were jettisoned into the water for an unknown target. As she flailed and my eyes got as big as saucers, the crowd along the shore wondered why I was running backwards so fast. The evangelist and church elder could only helplessly watch in shock as we whizzed by them in the opposite direction at 90 miles-per-hour.

It was the woman’s young grandson who sized up the true nature of our circumstances when he waved his bottle of Mountain Dew and screamed at the top of his lungs, “He’s going to drown Grandma!”

I concurred with his assessment. Yet, almost as if on cue and what can only be described as a miracle, the runaway wheelchair stopped dead on the ramp in a millisecond. The water was now lapping at the chin of this grateful and relieved woman. The event though beautiful was a tad bit anticlimactic from this point on. I almost had presided at the first ever drive-in baptism. Baptizing was the easy part, getting her out, became the tricky part.

Gripping the rumble strips on the ramp with my toes it took three plus another volunteer to push her back up and out of the water. As the church family sang the words to, “Shall We Gather at the River”, I whispered to the choir director that they had been singing the wrong song. I told her the proper song should have been, “We have an Anchor.”

While I am most grateful that I could be a part of this friend’s important event, it also gave me pause for reflection and thanksgiving. This baptism didn’t land on YouTube and God saved me from drowning a sweet grandma.

Posted in My Thoughts on Today | Tagged | Leave a comment

Help, It’s That Time of Year

Posted on June 7, 2013 by

You may think you understand the definition of strength but I’m not betting on it. When you envision something that is powerful I bet you never thought of this item. Fear, power, and helplessness is wrapped up in this tiny piece of fabric and it’s not Kevlar the bullet proof vest, it’s the bathing suit.

This is the time of year that fear grips me. It’s the kind of adrenalin that is equivalent to getting a bounced check, a flat tire and a near miss car accident rolled up into one. My swimsuit from last year has bitten the proverbial dust and I must choose another.

I am grateful I am not a woman. I’ve seen the kind of angst choosing a bathing suit causes. How can such a small amount of pastel cloth bring the toughest woman to her knees in tears? Could it be that it’s like a passed failed relationship, it’s unforgiving?

In a bathing suit I am a pirate’s dream, I have a sunken chest. There is not a bathing suit that can make me look good unless I can don a burka. I have entered that stage in my life where if I wore a bathing suit high enough to cover my flaws, I’d have to have a fly so I could unzip it when I needed to blow my nose.

If you can imagine the Kool-Aid man in a Speedo, that would be me. On second thought, scratch that image less you burn your corneas thinking about it. So I enter the store and say to the salesman, I want something that will flatter my body type and make me look thinner.” He gave me a business card for a hypnotist.

I think looking for a bathing suit is like a clandestine secret mission. You’re going it alone and if you’re caught, everyone will disavow knowing you. After my arduous journey in finding the perfect bathing suit, I think I finally found something. When I asked the final salesman what I could purchase that would offer me full coverage, he sent me to the sporting goods section.

When you see me at the beach this summer, just rap on my tent flap. I’ll be inside sipping lemonade.

Posted in My Thoughts on Today | Tagged | Leave a comment